i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
