Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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