Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize