i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
