Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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