do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
