So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
