So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
