Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
