i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
