I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
