Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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