I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
