this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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