I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
