My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
