If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
