Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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