Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
