Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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