Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
