You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
