every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
