I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
