he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
