I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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