Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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