Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
