what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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