then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
