I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
