so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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