Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
