my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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