i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
