I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
