apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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