he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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