i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
