the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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