cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
