Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
