Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
