how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
