i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
