Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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