No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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