My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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