Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
