I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
