my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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