if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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