I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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