Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
