someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize