Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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