She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
