I'm gonna have a badass scar
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Randomize
