I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
