WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
