and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
