I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
