my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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