Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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