OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
