Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
