I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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