alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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