even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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