I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
